Anyway, this also marks the first blogpost from cold Canada! Yes, I am finally in an esteemed university overseas pursuing my dream course, which is Mathematics! Ya, I know the journey to today was filled with disappointment and frustration, the point is I made it here, and doing a course I truly enjoy. At the end of the day, that's the most important, right?

Before I go on, I wish to thank all my friends and especially my family. You guys have been wonderful to me all these while. I know I sent you guys the same message (sorry about that!), but I really spent a long time figuring out how best to convey my thoughts. So yeah, that message says pretty much what I want to say. And a big thank you to you guys who took all the trouble to sent me off! My flight was extremely and ridiculously early, but in any case you guys still took the time to sent me off. Thank you for all that love! =D

Now, an update! Pretty busy since the university started. Assignments were abundant and so were geese and squirrels. Pretty much every week is a another challenge to finish my assignments. And the advanced math courses are really tough! But, the course so far have been really exciting and interesting. Really look forward to each new day of class! So pumped up to learn.

Living alone abroad really makes you learn a lot too. For me, it was... cooking! I only cook at weekends, but when I do, I find myself enjoying the process of cooking! So far, no burnt food or any accidents yet (except the time when I set the fire alarm on...) and pretty much everything I cooked was quite edible. So yeah, having lots of fun here!

Just one things that stills worries me: I haven't been able to make a lot of new friends. I am kinda slow in making new friends, so one month into university, I only made a handful of new friends. I came here without knowing anyone at all, so at least that's something. But, I hope I could really make more friends. Hopefully I'll get used to the new surrounding and start making more friends here!

Weather here has been cold. It's the start of fall now, and it's really cold here. Haven't see any changes in the trees yet, but when I do, I'll snap some photos!

Well, that's it for now! I need to get my laundry done!

P.S. May you rest in peace. "We love you, but God loves you more" =(

Until then,

Yes I am very frustrated.

Yes I am very upset.

But most of all, I am down right disappointed.

I got my A Level result recently. 3A* and 1A. Not bad, indeed, but my further math took a bad hit and was the one with lone A. Quite frankly, utmost disappointed with the outcome. I have never thought my further math will take such a bad hit. 87, not even close, if you're wondering. I will have to use the term "embarrassing". I am that upset, frustrated and disappointed.

Yes I am that picky with myself, but the fact remains the result showed that I am not, no where near in fact, where I thought I was. Ok, I didn't exactly work myself to the butt, but I (at least in my humble opinion) did indeed worked very hard for it. Because I was aiming for top, yes, but more so, because I really like doing it. I feel so alive doing it. And I thought passion and hard work will at least bear some fruit. Not enough, obviously. Whether it's because I simply haven't worked hard enough, or I was never good to begin with, I am not sure.

I am starting to think it's because of the latter.

I am really not so sure now. I am starting to doubt myself. I am wondering am I really able to do what I want to do. Wondering whether this is really what I want to do. Whether I am good, or I was really just mediocre all along. I don't to just be average. I want to be of substantial worth. That's why for one and half years, I was pushing myself, because deep down I want to see how far I can go, how well I stand. Turns out, I was just bad. Crushing and cold, but that seems to be the case for me.

Many people tell me to look at the brighter side of things. Mom said, "you got 3A*, don't keep on beating yourself in that one A, you did great." If that was Chemistry, I wouldn't be as sad. Fact is, the A was my most (until recently, and so I thought) was my favourite subject, my confidence and my best bet. I really don't know, but it seems to me someone just made the most cruel possible joke on me. The worst prank.

I don't know, maybe I wasn't good to begin with.

But I really don't know what else am I capable of doing.

I seem to fail in everything recently: SPM, my personal life, scholarship application, everything else. And now this. I don't know. I really don't. I have my doubts, but I don't know what else should I be doing.

I really don't want to disappoint anyone. So much was at stake, and so much was done. I really don't want to let anyone down. My parents, but most of all, myself. I really don't. And to have this, just weeks before my next phrase of life, it's hard not have my doubts.

I really really hope I am not going down the wrong path. I just can't turn back now. I really can't see myself doing anything else. I really hope I made the right decision.

Looks like I have to put in much, much, much much more effort and hard work. No more time for any regrets, I just have to march and hope for the best. Much more work is needed...

I just got to bite the dust, learn from this, and work much harder.

I will not allow myself to fail and disappoint myself again. I don't intend to make the same mistakes again.

There's nothing else I can imagine myself doing, except being a mathematician. To that end,

Just finished an awesome concert with a host of fantastic repertoire! Rachmaninoff's 2nd Concerto!!! One of my favourite piano concerto! And to be playing in the concerto (not as soloist of course!) is like a dream come true for me! (Although I only play for the 3rd movement...) Save a few minor problems, I think the performance was pretty nice. Note how excited I was even until after the concert, with all the exclamation I used. So, were you there to watch the performance?

Finished my A Levels exam too last week. The last paper was really encouraging. Everyone came out of that paper smiling. So yeah I think that went really well. So now, I am done (at least I think so) with A Level! Now for the graduation dinner...

Well, actually I am not going to be free for the whole time while waiting for my result. More percussion classes to keep me going (not to mention a timpani class on Beethoven's 3rd next week! Excited!) My parents want me to go find a job too, so maybe I'll do just that. And I still have an unfinished business... STEP Paper! So, yup, I will still be as busy as ever. But as they say, what's life without all these things going on, especially if you love them and enjoy every single second you spent doing them!

I told you I am a busy man! =)

Well that's it for now folks! Till then,

Yes people I just finished my 7th (albeit the most difficult one) paper today - Chemistry P4! I will just say the paper is quite manageable. Shouldn't have any problems... I hope.

So one more week till the last paper. Hopefully that goes well as well. Then I will officially be done with my A2, and thus completing my A Level! Of course assuming there is no crazy accidents, which itself a powerful assumption. And a dangerous one too.

Really looking forward to post-A level days. Partly because immediately after the last paper (yes immediately after my last paper), I'll be heading straight for MPYO camp. Thank God the exam schedule didn't really clash with the camp too badly. Otherwise I would have to miss another camp again. Boy, speaking of it make my hand itch for some workout! xD

But that's not the whole reason. The main reason is because the completion is an indication of the end of a another stage of my life. Short, yes, that phrase might be, it stands to be the most definitive year of my life. The amount of things that I have learnt within a short window of 1 & 1/2 years was just so astonishing. But one of the most marked changes was my output and the growth of my passion. It is during this phrase did I finally found what I want to be doing as my career. Really astonishing year I went through, and I am really glad I chose what I chose.

Anyway, in one week time and I'll be off the hook! A sign for more yumcha sessions? Anyone? ;)

Till then,

If you don't know what these numbers mean, they are actually the numbers I had, or will be taking in due course, for my A2. Let's see, I finished all my Math paper. Wasn't really a walk in the park, but I am feeling confident about that. Perhaps not a perfect score, as you never know what you did wrong, but I think it should be alright. Chemistry P5 was a lot more tricky. I guess no one expected it to be a bloody curve (is it a curve?), but other than that shouldn't be a problem.

However, further math is a bit of a disappointment. It was tricky (aren't they all), and although i plough through the paper, after the paper I realise I have 2 mistakes. Minor though the mistakes, I think I am going to be penalised quite heavily. All because I was careless. Sigh, looks like that secondary aim might just prove too hard to accomplish. I know I still got P2, but even if I get perfect (which is almost impossible, it's an applied further math paper. Impossible to get perfect), I think my mistakes are enough to make me lose that goal. O well, what matters most is that I get a good result, right?

Coming up next week will be an even greater challenge, Chemistry P4! The hardest of all papers in my opinion. It is also the 2nd last paper besides further math 2, which has a one week period between them. For some of my friends it is the last. Hopefully all is well!

Chemistry P4 is up next! Got to go!

Till then,

I realise how long I left this blog idle. To those who actually stop by and read my blog, I AM SO SORRY! Just couldn't find the time to blog. Either that, or I really don't feel like it when I do have the time.

But today is a special day where I get both together at the same time-space. A rarity since the semester started about 5 months ago. Which is my last in Sunway! I finished my last class officially on Thursday 5th of May 2011 3.00 P.M. I am excited to see what's next in my life!

If I don't screw up my A2.

If I get some sort of scholarship to further my studies overseas.

Actually, I just realise my immediate future has a lot of "if"s in it. Well, hopefully, by some divine intervention, I would get what I want, and hopefully I'll be in... Think I'll leave my lines there until I am there.

Just a quick review what happen during my absence from the blogosphere. Hmm... Normally I would have tons of workload, especially in Further Math. Say bye-bye to that! But actually, I really enjoyed myself doing those works, however burdensome it may be. I really enjoy doing math! Yeah I know, some might be pointing me to the nearest asylum, but hey, that's my passion.

Then I miss the MPYO March camp. What a pity! Class clashes with the camp. O well...

Constantly having class with the MPYO percussion, with esteemed tutors from MPO. Really enjoyable, although I must say working from scratch isn't much thrill in itself. Still, everything starts from basic right?

Then the mock exam. Which was horrendous. I did quite badly for both Chemistry and Physics. Math and Further was all right, but honestly I felt disappointed with some mistakes I made. Hopefully the best saved from last, and my subconsciousness will unleash it's best form during exam. Secondary Aim!!!! Still, the result of all my subject is the primary aim, so work is still very much needed for that my grey cells!

And today I finished my first paper... Physics paper 4! Not bad at all... felt quite good coming out of that paper. May not be perfect, but hey a good result is all I ask for. Felt confident, much much better than the sorry piece of paper that is my mock physic paper 4, so shouldn't be much a problem. One down, seven more to go!

And unknowing to most, I am actually doing an extra math paper - STEP III. Some of you might have heard it before, it's Sixth Term Examination Paper. It is a math paper, required by some university for some course (most notably University of Cambridge for Mathematics, but no I got rejected by the Uni from reading that course...) I just took cause I wanted to do more papers and try to learn more. But I ain't kidding you when I said that the paper is extremely tough... ATROCIOUSLY hard. It's so freaking hard, you are only expected to finish 6 questions. Majority wouldn't even complete 4. Let me put it into prospective... the first time I did the paper, I was stuck in one question for 2 hours and finally gave up, referring to answer scripts. I am not that smart, an important realisation after I did the first paper and saw how the paper ridicule me. The paper is really though... I just hope I would do reasonably well. A 2 will be really good, but I am hoping a 1. An S grade is totally out of question, that's up for grabs for genius, not for me.

My nights have been filled by revisions, past years, STEP III, and music! Wouldn't know how I'll last those lonely nights without a Shostakovich's Fifth Symphony, or how I will deal with my own doubts without Bruckner's 9th Symphony. Which is currently my favourite symphonic piece, besides Mahler's Symphonies. I still have tons of Mahler I haven't yet got for myself... A task I will accomplish after my A2. Looking for Shostakovich's 4th as well. If any readers happen to have a really good recording and don't mind sharing with me, I am all ears! xD

Next week will be really hectic! That week ends with STEP III - you tell me! Hopefully I will pull through and wouldn't die horribly.

Time to sleep! Tomorrow will be more STEP and chemistry on the menu for me! Anyone feeling hungry yet?

Till then,

This very moment one year ago. The very moment that initiates the chronicles of events that will ultimately, entirely and completely, made me lose you.

The weather today is the perfect mirror image of my feeling today.

But I never regret starting that, knowing how it'll end one year later.

I've moved on. It's just, some stains will never be washed away by the relentless proceedings of time.

Some feelings too.

Most likely my blog will go idle for some time. Until the tour is over.

Can't wait for it! And... the marimba solo!!!

Speaking of which, I think I should practice harder now. Till I drop or something.

BUSY!!!

Till then,

I had so much in my mind that I wish to share. So much that I don't know which to actually blog about. Thus, this will be a totally random-train-of-thought kind of post. Hence the messy-ness (if there is such a word, as I had said, my thoughts were a little jumbled out, can't think of an acronym until everything is out of my mind). Hopefully this won't end up a train wreck!

Ok here goes:

Firstly, I like to express my love for instrumental music (well, doesn't always have to be classical, that's ignorant to be thinking like that). Obviously that was in my mind because I was listening to some myself. Love the voice of trombone but still think marimba is the best when you are looking for a solo instrument. xD strong upper register, although not my favourite (too shrill at times), versatile middle range, and of course the deep, resonating, full-sounding bass end (the author's favourite, we say thankya). Probably that's why I take that instrument so seriously : I do remember the feel of the resonance on the wooden platform. Or mayhaps it's because four mallet grip is so cool. Seriously, people should really appreciate all these music as well. Who ever listens to Rachmaninoff's 2nd Piano Concerto, Beethoven's 9th, Mahler's notorious symphonies, or even Bernstein's West Side Story? Good for you if you ever did, I say thankya.

Now some pessimistic thoughts are running through. I think I'll stay those thoughts. But there is one I like to share. Have you ever felt all you have worked for was all for nothing? I have been constantly been plagued by those thoughts, and been second-guessing myself, especially during the course of this year. Maybe it was because, for the first time in my life, I have worked so hard for something, and yet lose it altogether all the same. Not to say I can't be better and already tried my utter best, just that before I was a little more half-hearted at most stuffs, and it turn out well, yet when I tried harder, it just fails. Not the first time this year either. Just gets you wondering. Isn't nineteen (well, maybe I am not 19 yet... but you get me) supposed to be the year you feel like : Aiye, I smoke weed and I shit real stink, better not cross me or else...! You know, like the world is not your match, the world has yet to see your full potential, I am invincible, kind of thing? I thought the Patrol Boy (as Stephen King calls it) should come visit years later, in your forty's or something. I guess mine came earlier.

I can't really sleep early. Felt very much awake even in the wee hours. Yet, working night time, going through some work and studies was very quiet and productive. At least until a certain point. But hell yeah, I prefer working at night. And working alone. I don't believe in groups when it comes to academic works. It just never works for me. I think this scenario will be familiar : hey let's study th... wait, what did that fellow just commented on your status? Or : Today we are going to finish this chapter, but first let's facebook/chit-chat/gossip/play some ball games, computer games/etc. to warm up first. Hell ya warm up, it normally takes the whole day and the whole schedule.

And can someone tell me whether does a pair of parallel vectors have a same angle of rotation from the origin? Well, actually I am very convinced that's in the affirmative. What I was thinking is that whether by looking at the angle of rotation can I determine when does 2 vectors with different vector equations, with respect to time, are parallel to each other? I was thinking of this problem for quite some time (half heartedly though, I am having my finals now. An unbelievably long one). I think you can, but when I try to test it, it doesn't work. I am sure I made a mistake somewhere. And no, you can't use the normal method, you'll just be introducing too many unknowns. Note to self : solve this problem!

On a lighter note, at least I know some University wants me. Phew! I was almost convinced no one would want me. Thank God for that!

Mostly I felt bored. And a little lonely. But I guess it's because of the exam : too long breaks, stay at home for far too long an hour. So nothing much about that I guess.

And some blabber about some topics. I'll leave it for some other time, when my thinking is more organised.

O yeah, I observed that I have a very peculiar habit. Like doing something before some big event. Like abandoning FB before exams, trying to get wrong notes before a performance (hell, I even imagined it while rehearsing). Listening to performance songs a million times before performance (well, actually there is a logic behind this). And some others people close to me and performed with me would have known. Scores of other. Weird huh? Can't change, think wouldn't be changing for some time.

Well, I guess that's all from me for now. Now that my brain was a little clearer, I think I do have another word for messy-ness. Interested? Look up. Far up.

Till then,

Well actually, they were arguing about something. I am so not going into the details, but basically one is trying to say that he's going to thwart the other guy's evil plan, so and so, all the cliched bull shit. I mean, don't you EVER get tired of what the good guys have to say? O there he goes again, ranting on some righteous crap. We all know it's so not true in the real world, if you have been updating yourselves recently. Peace! I wasn't IMPLYING anything. I don't want any trouble....

So, back to the phrase. When the (bad) guy ask him to stop, and the good guy, unbelievably, have to ask why, here is his argument (I did my best to translate) :

"What good will it ever do? You said justice is served when the evil is punished, and when that is achieved, the people will benefit. You claimed that, thus, that you are doing this for the sole purpose of serving the people. You are trying to achieved the greater good.

"Then, I beg you, to stop and ponder : what good will it ever do to the people? Sure, someone is punished for his atrocity and his crimes, the victim gets comfort for the person responsible for the crime which may directly, or indirectly in most cases, cause inconvenience and perhaps harm to befell upon the victim, has gotten his punishment. So you said justice is served. But what of it? What real good does it bring to the victim? Revenge? And what does that in turn bring? For example, consider a murder. So the murderer is hanged, the relatives of the victim get to see the killer get the punishment as stated in the law. Justice is served! But what of it? The deceased will never resurrect. Nothing. The pain is still there. (of course, I realised there is an overgeneralisation and oversimplification of problems here, a flaw)

"I am not asking you to be blind to crimes. Rather, I am asking you this : if given another alternative, an alternative that will surely lighten the burden of the victim at the very least. Will you not consider it? Or, will you still seek for your so called justice to be served? And allow the victim comfort but no real solution to the problem at hand?

"You say good always triumph over evil. You are definitely right about that, but think about it, without evil, will there be good? Or light if there is no dark? The world is symmetrical : in the sense that all (according to ancient Chinese beliefs) is made of Yin and Yang, in harmony. (well actually, scientist are still unable to confirm that. One unexplained phenomena, a possible counterexample, is the significant imbalance between the amount of matter and anti-matter, the "evil" twin of the matter. Interesting mystery) This means whilst good is ever present, so is evil. Why seek only justice to be served? Why not try to find a more realistic alternative that might lighten the pain and sufferings of victim?"

Now I must clarify that I DO NOT IN ANYWAY agree with this argument. Firstly, it is flawed. Secondly, it is against my inner beliefs and principles. However, I brought this up not for that. I just find it very interesting, to see it in a different perspective and argue from there.

Not your usually cliched that's-why-I-did-it.

A food for thought.

On a lighter note, all the work on chemistry did pay off. Except I totally missed that it is a S_N2 reaction. Damn! But other than that, it was unexpectedly smooth sailing! xD

Till then,

Last Friday was Cambridge interview day for me. Felt very excited and nervous about it. Honestly, I was dreading for it to be equally if not worst encounter than the one I had with the mock interview. (don't get me started on that...) The fact that the interview was at my college makes the whole thing slightly more bearable.

I came early, in fact a bit too early, had to wait there for an hour or so. Met someone who was applying for medicine. Which makes me wonder, why o why do people opt for medicine when the field is saturated and there are other field which is also equally interesting? OK, perhaps not saturated, but surely with so many other choices, why medicine? I guess everyone has their own reasons. In anyways, good luck to people opting for medicine! xD

Anyway, then it was my turn. I was so nervous! I never been so nervous, not even in performances! The first thing I noticed was the strong aroma (or the stench in my view) of coffee. In some ways though, I am glad for the presence of coffee smell. It makes the interviewer more human.

Interviewer seems kind enough. But then, all of them are, especially, ESPECIALLY, when you totally screwed it. Helped me get comfortable. He is coincidentally a Mathematics expert, the course which I was applying, and also coincidentally, the director of studies of the course in the college I am applying. Which adds up more emotional burden. But he seems excited about interviewing a potential student to his college in his course. Asked some standard question, then proceed to the most interesting part of the interview : the math question.

That's all about my experience, very interesting but disappointing. Sigh!

Till then,

Well, I am still busy. Officially anyway. I am actually in the middle of the dreaded AS exam. Actually, it haven't been the predicted OI'msodead,whyhaven'tIseentheserubbishinmylifebefore?!DAMPIamscrewed!!! kind of doom. YET. I only had Thinking Skills and Maths, after TWO weeks. NOW you get it.

And no that's no a typo error.

I decided to clean up my choice of words. You'll never know, there might be kids bumping to this site (how unfortunate) and pointing the finger at me for their atrociously colourful language. Nor I do want to get involve in any incident with the Malaysian Board of Censorship. O no, no way.

Cheers! xD

College has been fine. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time in college well enough. Just wasn't that awesome. As a matter of fact, I felt lonely at times. Fortunately, I chose a course where we have to study our ass off, so that problem is taken care off. Plus I was busy with application to university recently. Speaking of which, the application was a pain in the ass. Don't make me go through it again. Nevertheless, still looking forward for the interview session and written test this Friday and Saturday. Very excited to meet top experts and to actually be engaging with them on an intellectual discussion is very exhilarating. Just wish I am well prepared and don't screw up in front him.

Guess that'll be enough updating about myself. Wish me luck people!

On a lighter note, check this video out:

Hilarious! xD

Finally, looking forward for the December Tour!!!!

Till then,

Alright, let's see how far can randomness take this post.

Let's start with something I find particularly annoying these few days that keep appearing in the newspaper. You know health warning about formaldehyde? Yeah that annoying bugger. It kept appearing for quite some time in the newspapers (not exactly sure how long, but fairly sure it has been there at least for a week). At first it got my attention. Not because of the health hazard, but I was shocked because they just warn you, without any other information, or any mention of how it affects us, or any other freaking thing that would be counted as an info. Only mere mention of sore throat and itchy eyes, and really, let's face it, that could have meant any other freaking disease there is out there!

Anyway, I decided to restart the flare! I decided to give my blog another kick start. And my grey cells up there. I want to convey my thoughts through this blog again. It's been long since I really wrote a decent article.

So be sure to look out for more real soon! xD

Till then, and not for long,