Yes I am very frustrated.

Yes I am very upset.

But most of all, I am down right disappointed.

I got my A Level result recently. 3A* and 1A. Not bad, indeed, but my further math took a bad hit and was the one with lone A. Quite frankly, utmost disappointed with the outcome. I have never thought my further math will take such a bad hit. 87, not even close, if you're wondering. I will have to use the term "embarrassing". I am that upset, frustrated and disappointed.

Yes I am that picky with myself, but the fact remains the result showed that I am not, no where near in fact, where I thought I was. Ok, I didn't exactly work myself to the butt, but I (at least in my humble opinion) did indeed worked very hard for it. Because I was aiming for top, yes, but more so, because I really like doing it. I feel so alive doing it. And I thought passion and hard work will at least bear some fruit. Not enough, obviously. Whether it's because I simply haven't worked hard enough, or I was never good to begin with, I am not sure.

I am starting to think it's because of the latter.

I am really not so sure now. I am starting to doubt myself. I am wondering am I really able to do what I want to do. Wondering whether this is really what I want to do. Whether I am good, or I was really just mediocre all along. I don't to just be average. I want to be of substantial worth. That's why for one and half years, I was pushing myself, because deep down I want to see how far I can go, how well I stand. Turns out, I was just bad. Crushing and cold, but that seems to be the case for me.

Many people tell me to look at the brighter side of things. Mom said, "you got 3A*, don't keep on beating yourself in that one A, you did great." If that was Chemistry, I wouldn't be as sad. Fact is, the A was my most (until recently, and so I thought) was my favourite subject, my confidence and my best bet. I really don't know, but it seems to me someone just made the most cruel possible joke on me. The worst prank.

I don't know, maybe I wasn't good to begin with.

But I really don't know what else am I capable of doing.

I seem to fail in everything recently: SPM, my personal life, scholarship application, everything else. And now this. I don't know. I really don't. I have my doubts, but I don't know what else should I be doing.

I really don't want to disappoint anyone. So much was at stake, and so much was done. I really don't want to let anyone down. My parents, but most of all, myself. I really don't. And to have this, just weeks before my next phrase of life, it's hard not have my doubts.

I really really hope I am not going down the wrong path. I just can't turn back now. I really can't see myself doing anything else. I really hope I made the right decision.

Looks like I have to put in much, much, much much more effort and hard work. No more time for any regrets, I just have to march and hope for the best. Much more work is needed...

I just got to bite the dust, learn from this, and work much harder.

I will not allow myself to fail and disappoint myself again. I don't intend to make the same mistakes again.

There's nothing else I can imagine myself doing, except being a mathematician. To that end,